"Gelding", as he is known online, was castrated to his surprise one evening -- Although this was a good thing, and he has learned the advantages of his state. Gelding may be reached online at [email protected] or via his webpage. For more information on eunuchs, read the Extreme FAQ, nullification section. The following interview is a combination of email correspondance and documents from his web page.

GELDING'S AD IN "DRUMMER"

I learned about ball play, where the top would tie off my balls and stretch them out. I got into piercing, get a Prince Albert or PA put into my penis. A PA is a ring that goes into the urethra and then out through a hole pierced through the underside of the penis. I also had my tits pierced. I had a photo ad printed in one popular leather magazine showing me with my pierced tits tied together and holding up my erect penis by the PA ring. I got several responses to my ad with several hot Tops inviting me over to play in their dungeons. I joined a Chicago based S&M club and went to their runs where everyone could play as they wanted to.

BME: How did these fairly common interests actually "cross the line" and lead to castration?

First it should be pointed out that the S&M community, both gay and straight, promotes safe and sane guidelines for those who want to participate in S&M. The guidelines are common sense rules of behavior that players should follow. But in the heat of sexual arousal, it is often hard to stick to the safe guidelines. In my particular case, I ignored most of them.

I was vacationing in a strange city where I knew very few people. I approached a studly leather couple with an obvious Top and bottom, both hot hairy chested leather wearing men. A couple of drinks (a rule violation) had given me false courage to ask if there were any interesting ("worthwhile" is the word I think I used, and it probably sounded condescending to them and rightly so) leather sex to be had.

The guys said sure, but what did I want? They asked me to tell them about what I had gotten into, and I told them I liked butt play and also bondage and ball play. I volunteered information that I liked to tie up my own balls and even put hypodermic needles into them as I played with mental fantasies about castration.

These two both asked if I had frequent jerk off fantasies about castration. I admitted I did, that the whole idea somehow turned me on. One felt me up and found I was hard in my jeans. They invited me to come to their playroom with them, then handcuffed me and blindfolded me for the drive home.

I didn't even know their names (somehow no one asked those questions, and all my statements were prefaced with "Sir"), and I was going somewhere with them blindfolded and restrained in a strange city.

No one had spoken of limits, a normal thing for S&M players, to set the boundaries beyond which the Top will not go. There is always a "safe word" associated with limits, a method that the bottom can use easily that will clearly tell the Top that the limits have been reached, that the Top must stop the current activity.

Once in their playroom, they stripped me naked and strapped me to a table. I was aroused and eager. They had me sniff some amyl [nitrate] and smoke some weed (another new experience) and I got high. They doubled me up with a rope harness that lifted and spread my legs, tying the rope behind my neck. I felt a needle in my butt muscles. It was something potent, as I felt a rush.

One guy stroked my penis and fondled me all over while the other played with my balls, tying them off with wire twisted tight. It made my balls ache a lot, and the tight wire stung brutally. I could watch, in my hog-tied position, as he stretched them and squeezed them. They gave me some more amyl to sniff.

As I reached orgasm, I suddenly saw the guy holding my balls pick up a large knife, then I felt it cut into my sac, then through it. The pain was a shock, but it was unexpected and over quickly. I stared stupidly at the guy's hand holding my balls.

I was groggy by then, and they untied me from the doubled up position to lay me out on the table. One guy injected local anesthetic, and then he cleaned up the remains of my scrotum and sutured it closed.

Complete mental shock was about the closest description of what I was feeling after the scene in the playroom was over. I was mellow due to what drugs they had given me. I had experienced a realization of a deeply felt though publicly hidden and suppressed sexual fantasy. Feelings of loss fought with feelings of accomplishment.

I went up stairs with them, to a bedroom where both mounted me, one after the other. They told me I was a harem boy toy, a eunuch made for pleasuring males. My groggy state let me play that role with enthusiasm, and I got off a couple of times. The guys told me I'd be shooting blanks by morning, having ejaculated three times since castration.

BME: Do you resent them for what they did, or the way they did it?

No, I have no resentment. I think in my discussion with them, prior to going home with them, I had given them a lot of my personal fantasies, and I told them that I had done things like putting piercing needles through my nuts that were potentially damaging. In looking back at this, I can see where they would assume I was ready for the real thing. The way that they did the act itself was as though I had written it. My fantasies when I thought about being castrated when I was playing with myself were similar to the actual event. All the essential parts were there: being tied and helpless to object to or to prevent anything, the presence of more than one male to take part and to watch. Even the cooking and eating my excised testicles was something I had imagined in my wildest of fantasies. Telling me that they would tan and mount my sac as a trophy on a plaque as a prize of the chase was the frosting on the experience.

Maybe they had experience from many fantasies and just applied those experiences to my own scene. I couldn't imagine them doing anything else that would have added to the scene. For me, it was the ultimate castration experience in every way.

BME: Do you think that castration is a decision you would have eventually made "willingly", or did you "need" it to be done in the setting that it happened in?

I think I would have done something to myself if it had not been done for me. I had this fantasy for so many years that it became a true fixation. My increasingly damaging play with myself was leading me to self-mutiliation. I would eventually have satisfied my own fixation.

In my discussions with other eunuchs, I have found a similar thread throughout, that of long time fixation on this fantasy and of increasingly more potentially damaging play with their testicles. Most had done invasive things like piercing through the testicles, some had opened the scrotum with blades, and others had cut off the circulation to the testicles for hours on end.

After my castration, I felt relieved that it had been done. I had a sort of excuse now, that other males had nutted me instead of bearing the whole responsibility on my own. It's easier to explain to people that I was castrated by others than to have to tell them I cut my own balls off. Perhaps that is why I am so open about things, that I can rationalize my castration as an act done by others instead of being forced to say I did it myself.

GELDING AT PLAY, PRE-NEUTERING

That is a most difficult question. One eunuch I know sought help through Planned Parenthood in the guise of preventing pregnancy, but when he talked with the urologist to whom he was referred, he revealed his true desires of having his testicles and scrotum removed surgically. The urologist sent him to a psychiatrist for evaluation. The response was that the male would eventually commit self-mutilation due to his fixation needs. The urologist agreed to do the procedure and did so in his examining room as an outpatient procedure with an assistant. The eunuch told the urologist to do whatever they wanted to with the removed tissues.

This particular eunuch is also one who does not take hormones, as he felt "out of control" with his own sexual needs, that he felt driven by his hormones. He tried taking shots, but again got the feeling he was out of control. I felt this same change in mental outlook after withdrawal from hormones following castration. When I started hormone shots, I felt the return of my sexual desires and the ability to achieve erection. I can sympathize with my friend, as I feel the power of male hormones driving me to sex.

There are several methods of castration, some of which can be done by relatively inexperienced people. One in particular can be self-inflicted, the Burdizzo bloodless castrator. It is a clamping device that crushes the testicle cords of bulls and rams, resulting in a bloodless atrophy of the testicles. It is available easily from ranch and veterinary supply companies that advertise on the internet.

Another method is the use of elastrator rubber bands. This involves a device to spread the tiny strong rubber band wide enough to allow the testicles to pass through the spread band. The device is then closed and the band is slid off onto the scrotum, cutting off the circulation to the testicles and sac. The tissues clamped off wither and drop off after a period of several weeks.

A full surgical approach is to open the scrotum, pull out the testicles, tie them off, then sever them, suturing the sac closed. The scrotum can be removed as well during this procedure, but there is some swelling after surgery, and this can cause complications. In discussing procedures with eunuchs, I found that the testicles are removed in one procedure, and then sac is removed in a procedure done a month or so later.

Another technique is to tie off the sac using stainless steel wire twisted very tight, then cut off the tied sac. An elastrator band applied above the wire helps to hold things closed, and a pad bandage applied over the "stump" helps keep things clean. The sac opening is closed over a period of perhaps three weeks due to the pressure of the elastrator band.

There are "practitioners" actively doing castrations of human males. In most states in the U.S. this is illegal unless done by a physician with the consent of the patient. This is necessarily an underground activity. Both gay and straight males seek castration, but most practitioners are gay males, dominant, who take pleasure in doing the acts. I know of only one female castrator now active in the U.S., but I'm certain there are more.

There are contact newsletters being published that deal with castration. They indicate they deal only with fantasy, but many of the subscribers want to progress to realization of their fantasies, and many contacts are made. I know of at least three males who were castrated in 1996 due to contacts they had made through these newsletters. I was contacted by each before and after for advice about what to expect.

BME: After you left in the morning, what did you do?

In the cold morning light of the day after, when I had returned to the home of my friend and host, I looked at the line of sutures that had replaced my scrotum. What should I do? What would this mean for my life? Would I become impotent? Was I still a man? Was having castration fantasies a sign of mental illness?

About 4 weeks after I was castrated, I lost the ability to have erections. I also found myself experiencing hot flashes. A couple of times while at work, people would notice I was flushing in the face. I lost all sexual interest in males. A friend noticed this when he pointed out a particularly studly specimen at the beach and I failed to respond in my usual slutty manner. My complete lack of response of any kind was noted.

BME: How did doctors react to your situation?

Most medical professionals exceed my expectations when it comes to responses to tough situations. My own gay doctor was quite calm when I told him I had been castrated during an S&M scene. He asked if there were safe sex and condoms, as well as technical questions as to the sterility of the scene. He treated me as a patient without asking questions about my mental state or scolding me about what had happened other than to remind me about safe and sane guidelines (he being a leather type also). He started me on testosterone shots, telling me that the pain in my butt would help to remind me also. At first, we tried once a month. After about a week after the first hormone shot, I achieved an erection, and I was really happy. Two days later, I was also able to achieve orgasm and ejaculation, which surprised me. I was not expecting normal ejaculation. The fluid in the ejaculate is mostly from the prostate, so it is not diminished much by castration. I could now function normally. I called a friend and asked him if he would lend a hand to my recovery, so to speak. We celebrated all night.

BME: Do you think that your doctor's reaction was, at least in part, due to the fact that castration fantasies are common?

My shrink (he likes the term, as it encompasses a number of concepts with a short word) was equally calm and very knowledgeable. I was somewhat abnormal in readily accepting my castration, but not unusual in having fantasies about castration. I was probably more accepting because the scene had played to my role as a submissive, big time. It also gave me a reason for playing bottom even though I'm a hairy masculine larger male.

Many males think about castration, some find the thought of doing it to another male exciting, while a minority are aroused at the thought of being castrated. There's some case literature on males who have castrated themselves, but most were certifiable. There is an Indian sect or group that practices total castration, removal of all the male genitals and in a rough manner without anesthetic, tying off the genitals together and then slicing them off with a knife. My opinion is they are suspect if not certifiable.

My previous fantasies had involved Crusaders taken prisoner by Arabs and castrated, or stories about Chinese eunuchs, and also the Indian sect. My chance encounter with the S&M couple who were apparently practiced at this (and there's a whole other story there, I'm sure) was a coincidence. I can't decide whether it was bad luck or good luck.

BME: But you overall you seem to have adjusted to it well. What advice would you have for others contemplating castration?

I advise males who contact me to examine their desires carefully, to evaluate how important their need for castration is to their lives. If a desire is transient, of short duration, not carefully thought over, then I advise the male to hold off, to wait. If the idea of castration has been a long term one, where it enters masturbation fantasies regularly or every time the male has sex, longer than two years, then it is clearly a desire that has become a fixation.

Then, if the male has been doing things to himself that are progressively more intense and potentially damaging, the male is on the path to self-mutilation. Before he hurts himself, he should seek to be castrated. Once a male is castrated, whether or not he takes hormones, the fixation has been satisfied and he does not seek to go farther.

By going farther, I include the full nullification, where the penis is removed. Some eunuchs have indicated to me that they also seek nullification, but this is not a significant portion of the eunuchs I know. Some of the practitioners also do removal of the penis, but fewer than do castrations.

Finally, males may seek psychiatric evaluation to help themselves to determine whether their castration fixation is likely to take them farther. Therapists may not be entirely helpful, however, as the medical profession condemns destruction of healthy body parts. It is a rare therapist who is able to determine that the male will be better off without some of his genitals and that this should be done as a medical necessity. My own said this, that he would have counselled me against castration if I had seen him prior to the act.

BME: Other than not being able to have children, how has this affected your gender identity?

Being castrated for a male is not the end of the world. It means a drastic change in your life, but life goes on. No matter why you lost your nuts, you can lead a normal life. You can adopt children, but you can no longer create them. You can still achieve erections with hormones and still have orgasms and ejaculations.

It was difficult to tell my parents, but I had that excuse available, that I had not done it myself, that it had been done to me. I admitted to them that castration had been a fantasy of mine for some time, in telling them that I was now quite happy with my life, that I had no problems. I also told them that I enjoyed finding some males who were excited by my being a eunuch.

In my counselling sessions, I first voiced the idea that my castration fantasy was spurred in part from my resentment that my parents desired my marriage and offspring. I was their first son, and I sometimes felt embarrassed by my being a male and being expected to date, to marry and produce children.

When I was in college, I was a swim club lifeguard and swimming instructor, and I wore a Speedo that showed my large genitals very clearly. I had very large testicles and a large penis. The swim suits hid nothing. My mother remarked that my Speedos were something that only the current generation would wear. I enjoyed the attention my large basket got from the other life guards and credited that with my seduction of them, or vice versa, as I don't know who really made the first moves.

At a later time, my father cautioned me that my balls were hanging out of my shorts on a boat trip. Was this also a contributing factor to my castration desires? How many factors contributed to my seeking castration?

BME: Do you know many other eunuchs? Are most eunuchs private about it, or is there almost a "secret society" of eunuchs?

The number of eunuchs I know is increasing year by year. Before I was castrated, I knew of only two eunuchs. Today, I can put names to over 20. Outside of those, I have heard of perhaps 10 more who were castrated within the last two years.

I'm the most forthcoming and public with my status. I have a web page that tells my history and gives advice. Most eunuchs hide their condition from their friends and sort of retire from public life. Some do inform friends and continue to contribute to contact newsletters. In that respect, the newsletters create a contact group, if not a "secret society" of eunuchs and males who want to be eunuchs.

Today, I'm corresponding with over 50 males who are seeking castration. Most are seeking information. Some have enough information to satisfy themselves that castration is what they need as well as want. I'll do what I can to help them achieve their goal, as I'm happy with being neutered.

GELDING RELAXING IN FT. LAUTERDALE