[Goldcoast] As we’ve discussed in the past, henna is, above most other things, an insidious plot by any number of shadowy poison syndicates to horrifically mangle and mutilate your young children. Don’t believe it? Well listen, then, to the tale of young Cannon Cribb:

The five-year-old recently returned from Bali where locals painted a dragon on his arm with what his parents now realise was a substance containing para-phenylenediamine (PPD).

All was fine until the tattoo wore off completely and the entire area welted into the shape of the original image, some two weeks after it was first put on.

The family now fear Cannon will be left with a life-long scar.

First of all, this kid’s name is Cannon. How awesome is that? Even money that he’s already the most popular in his class just because of that, and now he’s got a dragon on his arm? Look, it’s terrible in a lot of ways and something clearly has to be done about the shitbags who keep using this low-grade junk (it’s actually the additive PPD and not henna itself that causes this reaction, and the boy’s mother makes a very valid point: “‘What if a little girl got a butterfly on her face?”), but holy crap this kid is going to get so much ass. I mean, not as a five-year-old. Oh, God, no. We don’t support that. Plus, it’s not really physiologically possible. Hopefully. Who knows what kinda mutant hormones they’re draining into milk these days.

[Showbiz Spy] So hey, here is a very important article about popular sex actress Megan Fox, who, as it turns out, is just like everyone else out there who was mildly overbearing parents! Megan was all, “Hey I want to get tattooed,” and her mom was all, “But you’re so pretty already,” and Megan was all, “But I really really want a sleeve,” and her mom was all, “There’ll be none of that under my roof, young lady,” and Megan was all, “I’M A GROWN WOMAN I CAN DO WHAT I WANT,” and her mom was all, “RAAAAAAR NO YOU WON’T, NOW EAT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS,” and so Megan ran to her room and slammed the door and cried herself to sleep, the end.

Megan Fox’s mother, Darlene, hates it when her superstar daughter gets a new tattoo.

Darlene is apparently furious at the Transformers star’s plans to cover her entire right arm in a tattoo “sleeve.”

“Her mom has never understood why her daughter would want to cover her gorgeous body with tattoos,” said an insider. “After each new tattoo, Darlene pleaded with Megan not to get more.

“Darlene believes that when Megan is a 40-year-old woman wanting to play more mature roles, people won’t want to hire her because it will be too hard to cover her tattoos.”

God it must really suck to be Megan Fox these days.

[NBA FanHouse] And finally, in celebration of tonight’s game three of everyone’s favorite NBA Finals between the Lakers and Magic, here is another heartbreaking tale of authoritarian power trying to limit the expression of tattooed people, except instead of parents it’s a multi-billion dollar clothing company, and instead of Megan Fox it’s a seven-foot-tall Polish man. Practically the same thing. Anyway, Marcin Gortat, back-up center for Orlando, has been a pleasant surprise for anybody betting on the Magic these playoffs, but apparently his sponsor, Reebok, is none too pleased with the way he’s chosen to adorn himself with terrible inky idolatry:

[Gortat] received an uncomfortable phone call last weekend from Reebok, with whom he has a shoe contract. Representatives of the company were not happy to see a picture of him from Game 1 in a Polish newspaper that prominently displayed his Michael Jordan/Nike logo tattoo on his lower right leg.

Reebok asked him either to wear higher socks tonight to cover up the tattoo, or to apply makeup so it will not be noticed through the rest of the NBA Finals.

“They called and said I had to do something about it, but that ain’t going to happen,” Gortat said after Tuesday morning’s workout.

“I’ve been wearing it 4-5 years now, and it helped me get to the NBA,” said Gortat. “They didn’t say anything about it when I signed the contract, so it’s not going anywhere. I don’t think they are paying me enough to take it off.”

As ancient as I feel when there’s moisture in the air, I wasn’t (and I imagine many of you weren’t) around for the golden age of the TV Western. Sure, we had Walker, Texas Ranger to call our own, but The Lone Ranger? Roy Rogers? Rawhide? Forget about it. Now, some people may find it silly to be nostalgic for television (be it a program or an era), but hey, one can’t predict from where one’s inspiration will come, right? Also, this makes me feel much better about my Designing Women/Murphy Brown sleeve.

Hey, so! Kind of a bizarro day down here at the ol’ ModBlog, right? So what the hell, let’s finish up with some more glorious absurdity, this time from occasional BME videographer Chris, sporting the above lens-mug by Cory Ferguson at Good Point Tattoos. Check out the source material after the jump, but in the meantime, ModBloggers, here’s something to think on for the night: Camera-face vs. Crazy Newspaper Face—who ya got?

Until tomorrow, friends.

Confession time: I have been purposely avoiding writing about this “story” because it is such a stupid fabrication, but for some godforsaken reason it has sadly become a legitimate news meme—indeed, it seems to have usurped that rash of, “Hey Even Your GRANDMA Is Getting Tattooed Now” pieces from late last year—and has seriously been repeated at least 20 times in various outlets over the past few weeks, so, whatever, let’s pick one at random. Anyway, remember those glorious salad days when people were just getting tattooed all the time, without a care in the world, because there were JOBS? Well, now that the world economy has been assassinated and all of our money has been shot into space to make room for all of the inconsiderate over-populators, lots of newspapers and TV stations are reporting that tattoo-removal businesses are the new kings of earth, paragons of solvency and all sorts of other things that probably aren’t true. Here is the tale of one such master race from New Mexico:

Many are afraid that a simple tattoo could keep them from getting a job, so many of them are making a date with a laser.

Dr. Lauren Chavez runs Clear Waves Laser Center and says a lot more people want to get rid of visible tattoos.

Chavez said Friday, “We seen just in the last couple of months…a really high increase in desire for tattoo removal on the hands, wrists, neck, face anywhere that’s visible.”

She said, “Some of them tell me that their hopefully future employer told them that they wouldn’t hide them, because of the visible tattoo. Some employers have even offered to pay for it, which is awful surprising…and that was a local bank.”

A local bank, you say? Well holy shit! What more incontrovertible evidence could you possibly need? See, this is the kind of non-reporting that comprises damn-near every “trend-spotting” article of this sort and truly makes my balls ache above most other things. This canard arguably originated in this May 24, 2009, New York Post article, which was similarly light on facts and relied on a thimbleful of weak-ass anecdotal evidence, but hey, tattoo-removal centers probably appreciated the press, right? So they fanned out across the country, calling up their local understaffed newspapers and news stations and whatnot to say, “Hey, this isn’t only happening in big old New York! This very popular trend is also occurring right under your noses!”

And so a bogus, wholly manufactured and preposterous “trend” is born. Are people getting tattoos removed these days? They surely are. Is it happening en masse because a generation of these ink-stained hoodlums is desperately seeking recession-proof work in the private sector? Ha ha NO, that is almost definitely NOT what is happening, except you wouldn’t know it by the almost daily articles on this very subject, everywhere. Phew. In conclusion, this, like most things, is probably the Post’s fault.

More Job Seekers Getting Tattoos Removed [KOB.com]

Boy howdy, time for lunch already, ModBlog? Well, I don’t know about you, but I am downright famished. Now, let’s see what’s in the ol’ lunchpail toda— oh. Oh. Well…well, that’s just not very appetizing at all, is it? And, really, it’s one thing to take a taste of your own supply, but this just does not seem like a sustainable munching endeavor. On the plus side, she, uh…she can just have some of what I’m having. Couldn’t eat another bite. Truly.

Good evening, ModBloggers! Hard to believe the weekend’s already over; I feel like I was just on a swing-set, enjoying the warmth, wearing my best sun dress, and tomorrow it’s back to the acid mines. Well, kick up your feet, folks—you deserve it. Whether you want to do so while on the toilet like Faith up there, well, that’s your call, I suppose.

Oh, you want to see a fuller shot of her tattoo work? Yeah, I can do that. Follow me, after the jump.

Happy Saturday, ModBloggers! I hope you’ve all been productive or relaxing or whatever the hell it is you set out to do with your weekend. Me? I swear I had a ton of witty and insightful things to say, but then I caught a glimpse of this incredible backpiece of ol’ Aslan up there and now, unfortunately, I have to clean all this crap out of my pants. So it goes.

We saw her just the other day, but I thought it was about time we checked in with the lovely MeltBanana to see how her wild palm-print scarification (by Lukas) is healing. Up above is the piece six months in and, while I’d love to get a color photo at some point, this is coming along superbly.

And just like the sands of time, friends, another week has run itself down. What did we learn this time?

- Everybody likes girls in high heels with breast microdermals, the end.

- Chicago is way ahead of the curve, with some tattoo artists offering free cover-ups to people wanting to erase past gang affiliations.

- If you’ve got syndactyly, just cut them bitches apart. Or, alternately, get a cute tattoo.

- Hey, check out some readers’ book suggestions over here.

- The lovely Samar just can’t take a bad photo, suspending or otherwise.

- Tattoo Highway is the mountain-top of reality television, or something.

- Lionel slays, every time, without exception.

So that was fun! You know what happens next. We’ll pop in throughout the weekend and, provided Thomas Pendleton and crew don’t run me over with their bus, we’ll be back to full strength come Monday morning. Until then, have fun, stay safe and, of course, thank you for your continued support of BME.

[Chicago Sun-Times] Hey, Chicago sports-fans! Think you’re the biggest homer around, with your shelf full of bobbleheads and closet full of jerseys and your vial full of Jay Cutler’s…”essence”? Well, think again. As the photos from Ruben Brown’s Motorcycle Run—”a charity ride that raises cash for the Salvation Army”—will show, Glenn Timmermann’s got you beat.

Timmermann, 45, a Round Lake Beach factory manager who has covered his body in Bears-related tattoos. He has 92 autographs inked on to him permanently, highlighted by Da Coach’s signature across the back of his skull.

Ninety-two Bears-related autographs! Sweet fancy Moses. (This also bests the previous ModBlog record-holder of 89 autograph tattoos, for the record.) That said, I’d be more impressed if he got all of these folks to actually tattoo their own signatures into him. Take it from me, kids: You haven’t lived until you’ve been laid out on Mike Ditka’s lap while he taps his name into the back of your head with one hand, eats several pounds of wings with the other hand and calls you a pussy with either fiber of his being.

[Swing By The Balls] Once upon a time, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails got his hands on an old BME video called “Roy’s Nut Hang.” I don’t remember the exact story, but he and his band watched it in the studio and everybody, to a man, was thoroughly disgusted, with Reznor calling it something along the lines of “the sickest shit I’ve ever seen,” before the damn kids turned “sick” into a good thing. (Reznor, keep in mind, had worked with Bob Flanagan on the “Happiness in Slavery” video, so he was no stranger to BDSM and extreme body manipulation.) All of which is to say, I’m not going to say the linked video necessarily compares with Roy’s nut hang of yore, but it’s one hell of an impressive feat nonetheless, and there’s a gold star in it for anyone who gets ol’ Trent to watch it.

[Daily Record] Well, here’s a real piece of shit. Local scumbag Jeffrey Dekmar of Stockholm, New Jersey, a 17-year veteran of The Tattoo Factory in Roxbury, has had a mess of legal troubles lately. This is just abysmal:

Dekmar was first accused in February of sexually assaulting a client at the Ledgewood tattoo parlor while inking a Hebrew prayer on the 23-year-old woman’s upper thigh on Feb. 21. Shortly after he was arrested on that sexual assault allegation, he was served with a second complaint that stated he rubbed his genitals against another woman’s genitals, without her consent, at The Tattoo Factory on Feb. 21.

The patron who wanted the prayer inked on her skin has alleged that she refused Dekmar’s request that she remove her underpants, but that he tugged them down, digitally penetrated her, and then said, “My bad,” according to an arrest complaint.

Holy crap, guys! Does that work? Can you just pull down a girl’s underpants, poke around a little and then get out of it with a simple, “My bad”? Jesus. Somebody give this guy the Nobel Prize. Anyway, this failure is back in the news because he’s been charged with breaking into his former place of employment and stealing about $200—this, of course, while on bail following that whole fingerbanging fiasco. Of course.

[PR Web] And finally, let’s wrap up this round-up with a touching story about tattoos, the American Dream, World of Warcraft and…boobs. Huh. Well! This was legitimately news to me, but apparently, if one were so inclined, one is able to purchase “gold” from a third-party web site to use as currency in the popular computer game World of Warcraft. So, one of these sites, MYMMOShop.com, has deduced that online gaming and porn may have some crossover fans, and have capitalized on this market in a fairly provocative manner!

MyMMOShop.com has paid Russian porn star Anna Morgan to tattoo their company’s logo and website URL to her breasts. The company feels that her natural dd sized breasts will provide an ample space for the advertisement. Given the number of films porn stars tend to make in a year’s time, the tattoo should be seen many thousands of times. Anna has agreed not to alter the tattoo for at least two years.

[...]

“A female porn star can easily appear in 50-100 films per year so this gives mymmoshop.com a lot of exposure for years to come,” according to Hunter Crowell the media relations office for the company.

Quick! Someone steal the Nobel Prize we just awarded to the fingerbanger up there and give it to the ad wizards who came up with this scheme. But seriously.