[Kijiji] I’m warning you all right now, this is going to be an extra-stupid edition of our beloved news roundup. Like, seriously. There is nary a redeeming quality to be found among today’s record of idiocy, whether it’s the subjects of the stories or the fact that the stories themselves even exist in the first place. Let’s start with this Kijiji posting, beckoning one and all to contribute to this citizen’s tattoo portfolio by submitting to a full-facial tattoo. It is very important that this person pad his or her portfolio with a very impressive full-facial tattoo—so important, in fact, that it will be done nearly practically free! As long as you don’t want any tribal, of course. Tribal is for assholes.

[Help Me Sue] Oh Jesus Christ, if you are eating your celebratory (and mandatory, damn it) Independence Day fried chicken, you may want to put it down (or eat it extremely quickly) before clicking that link. First of all, there is actually a web site called “Help Me Sue,” which is just tremendous, and it evidently exists to help people wronged by The Man (or various men) find a lawyer appropriate for one’s respective situation. Well, someone is having some problems with a tattoo, from the looks of things (all [sic]‘d):

Myself and two other co-workers went to a new local tattoo parlor in Morgan Hill, California. We all got the same tattoo and we all got bad infections. Within the two days our ankles swelled three times the size and was oozing all the color and green stuff. We let it ride because we understood that the foot area was very painful in regards to healing. We went back to the tat shop to find the owner and his wife and showed him our feet. His first response was “Oh shit, he went way too deep, that artist is out of here. Don’t worry, he won’t be back!” At that point we told him that we were pissed and we were going to seek medical attention because our legs had became so sore that we had to miss work and the crust from our tattoo kept cracking and seaping. My friend was the first to go seek medical advice then myself. It was confirmed that it appeared we both had Staf infections and were given antibiotics for severl weeks. The artist finally cared enough to contact us and even admitted he may have went to deep and that he would only refund our money and fix it. He then told us that we would fix it at the shop where we got it beacuse he still worked there! We then decided to run in their business lic because they had one on the wall in the shop. It happens that they do not have a license but rather one is pending because the Enviromental Health Dept. still hadn’t inspected their facility.

And wouldn’t you know it, it’s actually a lot grosser than it sounds! There’s a nice little area of necrotic tissue pictured, which, as we all know, is the primary symptom of…a tattoo artist going too deep? What? Hey, I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure you don’t pick up a necrotizing Staph infection because your artist has a heavy hand. Anyway, folks, best of luck in your lawsuit. Care to make it class-action lawsuit? Eh? Eh? C’monnn.

[NJ Star-Ledger] So here’s a fun game to play: Go to Google News, type “Bagelhead” into the query field, look at the results, and then punch yourself in the dick/balls/ovaries/whatever hard enough that you will never, ever breed, thus saving your potential offspring from the horrid fate of having to share a planet with the reporters responsible for this new “BRAND NEW FAD” non-story. Apparently, some Japanese youths have started experimenting with inflating their foreheads with saline solution (as our old friends Jerome, Ryoichi and others have been photographed doing in the past), and of course, since something need only exist for it to become a fad, this is now a fad sweeping the sleepy fishing village of Japan. Oh, and apparently the people who are doing this are being called “Bagelheads,” because what would a dumb non-story be without the most outrageously stupid moniker imaginable attached to it? Hooray.

[Popcrunch] And finally, famous singer person Rihanna is going to jail, forever, for giving someone a tattoo. Apparently she thought it’d be a real hoot to pick up a tattoo machine while hanging out in New York and give some folks some little umbrella tattoos, except those photos were published (by the MEDIA), and now it’s been revealed that she was not properly licensed to be a tattoo artist, or something, so she will be put to death, the end.

[Twitter/Meghan McCain] Oh well look at that, important political daughter Meghan McCain is all up in the Twitters, talking about getting tattooed! As we know, she used to joke about getting tattooed when her pops, John McCain, was running for President, hoping that it would give him flashbacks or something. But now that her father has retired from the presidency, she is free to get all the tattoos she pleases while he naps. At least, judging by this recent “tweet,” she has good taste in artists. That said, it’s refreshing to know that not even government tattoo snobs like the McCains can jump the line with Paul Booth. Vote Paul Booth in 2012!

[First Amendment Center] A few months back, we covered this sordid tale of some murdering shitbag who had all sorts of demonic tattoos that lawyers tried to use against him in court, and we were generally bummed out by everyone involved in the situation being so distasteful and unsympathetic. To recap:

Martin Robles and his shit-demon accomplice were indicted for breaking into a home in 2002 and killing two men, crimes for which Robles was sentenced to death in Texas. He lost an appeal, then made a last-ditch effort to file a petition for a writ of habeas corpus, claiming, among other things, that his First Amendment rights were violated during the trial. [...] [He argued] that his religious-liberty rights were violated when the state placed into evidence his tattoo of a religious figure. As described in trial proceedings, the tattoo depicted “Jesus with a demon devouring his brains.”

Now, I’m not an attorney, but I usually catch about 25 minutes of Law & Order: SVU a night, so I understand the importance of legal precedence in cases like this. In the quoted case, much was made of a 1992 trial, Dawson v. Delaware, in which tattoos were of central importance:

[U.S. District Judge Janis Graham Jack] distinguished Robles’ case from the 1992 case Dawson v. Delaware, in which the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a defendant’s First Amendment associational rights were violated when prosecutors introduced into evidence his membership in a white supremacist group when such association had nothing to do with the underlying crime. [...] However, the Court in Dawson pointed out that “elements of racial hatred were … not involved in the killing.”

Well boy howdy, another case just rolled through that’s invoking Dawson yet again! And…it’s even dumber than the one with the Jesus-eating zombie thing.

A trial court did not violate the First Amendment rights of a criminal defendant when it allowed a prosecutor to comment, and a county sheriff to testify, on a defendant’s “Lying Eyes” tattoos during closing arguments, a Texas appeals court ruled recently.

A jury had convicted Michael Lee Wood of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon for brutally beating a convenience store clerk with a sharp object in Haskell, Texas. During the punishment phase of the trial, the prosecutor elicited testimony from Haskell County Sheriff David Halliburton. The sheriff testified that Wood had a tattoo on each eyelid. One tattoo read “Lying” and the other read “Eyes.” Wood’s attorney contended such evidence was irrelevant. The prosecutor countered that the “Lying Eyes” tattoos showed Wood’s lack of respect for society.

This, apparently, was not a violation of his First Amendment rights due to the fact that his eyelid tattoos were supposedly evidence of a lack of moral character, and not some manner of gang affiliation. Again, I really, really hate to be put into a position to offer any sort of defense on the behalf of goons like this, but this seems like a bad precedent to set. The Jesus brain thing? Sure, that probably wouldn’t play well with conservative/religious folks, but “Lying Eyes” on someone’s eyelids? What, are we just going to start locking up people who get shitty puns tattooed on them?

Actually, when you put it that way….

[Norwich Bulletin] Oh baby, so we were all just waiting to see how those jackals in the “mainstream media” would react to, uh whatshername, the girl with all the stars tattooed on her face? Well, here go! This sack of garbage disguised as a column is honestly the most paint-by-numbers, thoughtless pablum I’ve seen in quite some time. But don’t take my word for it! Let’s hear what you have to say, Sharma Howard!

There’s one thing I know for sure I don’t want to see on my sons:

The roof of your house! A burning car! A murderous lion!

tattoos.

That’s the “one thing [you] know for sure” you don’t want to see on your songs? No offense, lady, but my answers are way deadlier.

When I was growing up, tattoos were for the fringe of society — and the two adults I knew that had them always kept them covered up in embarrassment.

Now, tattoos adorn movie stars such as Angelina Jolie, who makes for an odd sight in an evening gown and lines of Oriental writing marching up her neck. It’s jolting, to be sure.

“Oriental” is not the preferred nomenclature, dude! Anyway, yes, Angelina Jolie should pretty much be ashamed of herself, at all times. That’s where you were going with that, right?

Now, 36 percent of 18-25 year-olds have tattoos, inching towards the 50/50 mark that would make having a tattoo almost blase.

“Blase” is kind of a poor word choice in this instance but whatever, sure. Now, get ready for the reappearance of our old friend Starface!

I watched in horror when the young teen from Belgium claimed in the news the 56 black stars that now blanket her face like a constellation were the result of a tattoo artist gone wild as she slept. The story had many people skeptical, but one look at the tattoo artist, who had his own face covered in tattoos and had stretched his skin with heavy piercings stirred sympathy for the 18-year old.

Look, we’re not necessarily going to defend the artist’s somewhat poor judgment in this case, but we don’t recall there being a ton of sympathy for Starface. We will grant you, however, that seeing Rouslan in an evening gown can be a jolting experience. I would quote more from this chumbucket but once I got to the seventh paragraph I fell asleep for a hundred years. “Enjoy” it on your own, if you must.

[Conan O'Brien] Longtime admiration for David Letterman notwithstanding, the Conan O’Brien era of the Tonight Show has been downright glorious. I wasn’t quite sure how Conesy would adapt to sunny Los Angeles from humid New York, but, as we can see above, he’s doing his best to make friends with the locals—like, say, the folks at a local tattoo and piercing and head shop. Attention L.A. residents! The gentlemen at Xeniobiotic Tattoo will not pierce your taint, even if you’re Conan O’Brien.

[AFP] See, when I see a headline like, “China tennis star braced for battle of tattoos,” I naturally assume it’s going to be some NBA-style hand-wringing about some little harlot ruining the sanctity of the game by parading around with her demonic flesh-ink exposed for the world to see, her skin covered with graven images, each one more offensive than the last, to the point that all one can do is spit one’s strawberries and cream at the television in disbelief that a sport of such honor and integrity would allow itself to be sullied in this way. But…nah, it’s just because China is a touch draconian about the whole tattoo thing:

China’s Li Na is facing a battle of the tattoos in the second round at Wimbledon, but said if she had her way, her controversial body art would be wiped off.

The number 19 seed has a design etched on her chest — something which was not universally well received in her homeland, where tattoos have long been considered taboo.

She faces Belarussian world number 82 Olga Govortsova, who has three stars tattooed on her inner left forearm, in her quest for a third round spot at Wimbledon.

However, though tattoos are growing in acceptance in China and Li has finally become comfortable showing it off on the tennis court, she said might get tired of seeing it.

“So many people ask me about my tattoo,” Li told AFP.

“It’s a rose with a heart. I’ve had it eight years now. Before, I always wore tape, I didn’t want to show the tattoo. In China, if they see people have a tattoo, they only think maybe she’s not so good a person.”

See? Spoken like a true thug—no respect for the game or its storied history. This monster will be playing tennis for the Denver Nuggets any day now.

[Journal Now] Hey, good news, tattooed folks! We all know that tattoos will curse you with lifelong unemployment, derision from society at large and probably some sort of hybrid Hepatitis/HIV-monster virus, but one thing its been confirmed they won’t give you: Skin cancer. Hooray!

Many inks are made with metals; blue, for example, contains cobalt and aluminum, and red may contain mercury sulfide. That, along with the fact that tattooing can be traumatizing to the skin, prompted suspicion that tattoos might lead to skin cancer. Studies have documented a few cases of cancer at a tattoo site.

But Dr. Ariel Ostad, an assistant clinical professor of dermatology at NYU Langone Medical Center in Manhattan, said that does not mean that the tattoo caused the cancer. He said that the ink is unlikely to do any harm because it is confined to cells in the skin called macrophages, whose job is to absorb foreign material.

More likely, he said, the tattoo was placed on an existing mole, making any changes in the mole hard to spot. Several case studies have dealt with melanomas that were overlooked because they arose from hidden moles. Ostad said he is often asked whether tattoos can lead to cancer, and the answer “is unequivocally no.”

Hey, maybe not breaking news, but who doesn’t like confirmation of this sort? It’s about time doctors proved their worth, am I right, fellas? Eh?

[Youth Removal] A few weeks ago, we mentioned a story regarding a program offering free tattoo cover-ups for gang members, but little did we know that a similar project was in the works in our own corner of the community! Allen Falkner, currently of Fade Fast tattoo removal, has launched Youth Removal, a program in which youths 18 years old and younger will be able to have gang tattoos on their hands, neck or face removed for free. Allen, as many have long been aware, has always been a stand-up gent, and this is just another feather in his cap. Really outstanding work.

[Twitter] And finally, if there were any doubt remaining about the value of Twitter, a tweet from earlier this afternoon, courtesy of Esquire:

Hey, that’s just sound advice right there.

[Telegraph] Holy shit, you guys! It happened, it finally happened! Our long, national nightmare is finally over! After a solid week of mind-numbing idiocy and hilariously poorly thought out lies, one of the great dumb stories of our time has reached its logical conclusion. Are you ready for this, folks? Get a beverage, find a comfortable seat and let the warm sunshine wash over you as we collectively revel in what we can only imagine will be the last we hear of this foolishness, at least until Chuckles over there gets cast on Big Brother UK or something. Anyway, that whole canard about falling asleep in the chair at the tattoo shop? LIES, LIES, BALD-FACED LIES.

Kimberley Vlaminck had insisted she dozed off after asking the tattooist for just three small stars – then woke in horror to find her face was covered.

[...]

Amid a frenzy of media attention, she then pledged to sue the tattoo artist, Rouslan Toumaniantz, for the £9,000 she needed for laser surgery to have them removed.

She said after the tattooing last week: “It is terrible for me. I cannot go out on to the street. I look like a freak.”

But the 18-year-old has finally confessed she did not fall asleep, that she wanted all the stars and was “fully aware” of what Mr Toumaniantz was doing.

Ms Vlaminck told a Dutch TV crew: “I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them. But when my father saw them, he was furious. So I said I fell asleep and the tattooist made a mistake.”

And so ends the ignominious tale of a common boob. As mentioned above, though, if history has taught us anything, she will be back, probably on a reality program, or getting punched in the face by a big foam fist on some Japanese-style game show. We can only hope.

[Edmonton Sun] Last week, we mentioned the story of Zipp’s Tattoo and Museum, the Edmonton, Alberta, tattoo shop that has been shuttered for, among other reasons, miserably failing to meet basic standards of cleanliness, evidenced by the fact that this goon was tattooing animals in the same place as humans. This is typically frowned upon. Luckily, it seems like some good might come out of this! Mike Francis, owner of Little Buddha Tattoo & Piercings, is now trying to mobilize artists and shop owners in the area to be as public and forthcoming as possible with regard to their commitment to meeting safety standards.

[Francis] started a Facebook group for local studios to post spore test results of sterilization machines, inspection dates and other sanitation information for potential clients to check out while researching studios.

Francis, who laments the lack of licensing in the industry, said he’s intended to create the group for awhile, but the recent scare at Zipp’s Tattoo & Museum was “the final straw.”

[...]

The closure has been an embarrassment to reputable studios in the city, Francis said.

“What I’m hoping (the Facebook group) is going to do is people are going to investigate their tattoo studios around the city,” he said. “I don’t care if it’s me or (another studio), at least you’ll be able to go through it and see we do a regular spore test.”

While his studio hasn’t felt any economic impact from the incident yet, clients are clearly unsettled.

“My first appointment today was at 12 p.m. and the first thing out of his mouth was, ‘You’re using clean needles, right?’” he recalled.

In the description of the group, Sterile Tattoo & Piercing Studios In and Around Edmonton, he wrote, “As a studio owner, let’s try to change what others have destroyed.”

Well hey, this is a solid idea! Now, some may feel it’s an invasion of sorts and that this sort of disclosure may lead to a situation where individuals and shops are put into a position to preemptively prove their innocence rather than defend themselves against accusations of guilt, but it’s still hard to not see these sorts of actions as promising steps toward further acceptance in the public eye. Jason McDonald, the environmental public health officer who pulled the plug on Zipp’s, has the money quote at the end of the article: “There are roughly 50 studios in the Edmonton area and they’re generally in compliance and doing a good thing. I would get a tattoo in any of the studios open today. That’s the key message: this is a safe industry.”

[HiStyl Hair] And finally, some more good news. (Though this may be old news and simply news to me. News, news. News.) Apparently, tattoos are no longer just something you wake up with on your face after falling asleep in sundry locales, but they can also do some good if used properly! Like, say, the folks at HiStyl Hair are doing—now, grown men needn’t any longer face the gross indignity of receding hairlines! As you can see, the cosmetic scientists at work here simply give you a close noggin shave, then tattoo a realistic-looking hairline, giving you the hirsute appearance you crave. On the downside, due to these facial/head tattoos, these gentlemen will never be able to get jobs again. Sad.

[Shutdown Corner] Well, here’s the biggest tattoo-related non-story of the day. Chad Ochocinco, the Cincinnati Bengals safety formerly known as Chad Johnson, is, for those unfamiliar with the NFL, one of the bigger clowns in the league. (See: Legally changing his last name to a mangled Spanish translation of his jersey number.) Anyway! Mr. Ochocinco, like so many athletes, has wandered into the land of Twitteronia, and made this startling announcement yesterday:

Yall might not believe me but my tatoo guy is here and i getting my face done, looks cool to, dont be mad just accept the Ocho please

The tattoo, as you can see, is of America’s wang, the state of Florida. Has your world been turned upside down? Well, keep your head on, folks: It was just a gag! Yep, this prankster just had someone Photoshop a smudge onto his mug. Ha ha, hilarious…?

The entire twitt world and media outlets got punked, that was my twitt joke from yesterday, they follow I’ll have fun with it.

My grandma would kill me if I had damn facial tatts!!! Fun while it lasted, back to normal, I felt different to.

In conclusion, you are never getting those five minutes or wasted brain cells back.

[The Globe and Mail] Whoa ho, what’s this? Actual good legal news about tattoos? It is! Nadine Bélisle, a daycare worker in Quebec, has been embroiled in a legal battle for five years now over whether or not she should be allowed to display the tattoo on her shoulder while on the job. Well, the results are in, and a Quebec Superior Court judge has decided that the policy that forced her to cover up was, in fact, a violation of her rights. Hot damn.

“Five years of frustrations have collapsed. I’m thrilled,” Ms. Bélisle, 35, said in an interview yesterday from her home in Saguenay. “This is a question of human rights, of freedom of expression.”

The May 27 ruling brings legal heft to the murky question of what’s appropriate to wear in the workplace, at a time of relaxing attitudes to dress codes. While body piercings and dressing down seem to be gaining acceptance, there are signs that more employers are drawing the line. This week, University of Montreal hospitals adopted dress codes for employees that prohibit jeans, short skirts and tattoos deemed to be in bad taste.

For Ms. Bélisle’s union, the visible-tattoo ban by the CPE La Pirouette, one of Quebec’s publicly funded daycares, went too far.

“Publicly funded” being the operative term there, I believe. I’m not sure whether or not this sort of ruling would apply to private businesses, and whether or not private enterprises should be beholden to the same standards of personnel decisions as public businesses is another matter altogether. As far as this case is concerned, the daycare’s position was that, while some tattoos are surely inoffensive, some may not be appropriate for the environment, and so a blanket ban was, for them, preferable to having to decide what was acceptable on a case-by-case basis. The ban, however, was determined to be prejudicial in nature, and that while violent or vulgar tattoos will still have to be covered, the majority will be free for display:

“Tattooing nowadays is a phenomenon that cuts across all levels of society,” [Judge Jean Bouchard] wrote. “If it was once associated with delinquents, that’s no longer the case.”

The daycare’s policy forced an employee with a tattoo of a butterfly or flower on her forearm or calf to wear pants or a long-sleeved shirt, even while working under a hot summertime sun, he wrote.

“This is, in the opinion of the court, ridiculous and outrageous.”

The daycare will still have the right to prohibit inappropriate tattoos including those expressing violence.

And that, well, that’s a fine precedent to set.

[Jason Dunn] And finally, Jason Dunn, a techie fella from Calgary, was vacationing in Japan when he came across this tattoo studio, bearing what he thinks may just be the worst (or at least the funniest) name for a tattoo studio possible. Oh, comical translations. We’ll let FailBlog decide.

Confession time: I have been purposely avoiding writing about this “story” because it is such a stupid fabrication, but for some godforsaken reason it has sadly become a legitimate news meme—indeed, it seems to have usurped that rash of, “Hey Even Your GRANDMA Is Getting Tattooed Now” pieces from late last year—and has seriously been repeated at least 20 times in various outlets over the past few weeks, so, whatever, let’s pick one at random. Anyway, remember those glorious salad days when people were just getting tattooed all the time, without a care in the world, because there were JOBS? Well, now that the world economy has been assassinated and all of our money has been shot into space to make room for all of the inconsiderate over-populators, lots of newspapers and TV stations are reporting that tattoo-removal businesses are the new kings of earth, paragons of solvency and all sorts of other things that probably aren’t true. Here is the tale of one such master race from New Mexico:

Many are afraid that a simple tattoo could keep them from getting a job, so many of them are making a date with a laser.

Dr. Lauren Chavez runs Clear Waves Laser Center and says a lot more people want to get rid of visible tattoos.

Chavez said Friday, “We seen just in the last couple of months…a really high increase in desire for tattoo removal on the hands, wrists, neck, face anywhere that’s visible.”

She said, “Some of them tell me that their hopefully future employer told them that they wouldn’t hide them, because of the visible tattoo. Some employers have even offered to pay for it, which is awful surprising…and that was a local bank.”

A local bank, you say? Well holy shit! What more incontrovertible evidence could you possibly need? See, this is the kind of non-reporting that comprises damn-near every “trend-spotting” article of this sort and truly makes my balls ache above most other things. This canard arguably originated in this May 24, 2009, New York Post article, which was similarly light on facts and relied on a thimbleful of weak-ass anecdotal evidence, but hey, tattoo-removal centers probably appreciated the press, right? So they fanned out across the country, calling up their local understaffed newspapers and news stations and whatnot to say, “Hey, this isn’t only happening in big old New York! This very popular trend is also occurring right under your noses!”

And so a bogus, wholly manufactured and preposterous “trend” is born. Are people getting tattoos removed these days? They surely are. Is it happening en masse because a generation of these ink-stained hoodlums is desperately seeking recession-proof work in the private sector? Ha ha NO, that is almost definitely NOT what is happening, except you wouldn’t know it by the almost daily articles on this very subject, everywhere. Phew. In conclusion, this, like most things, is probably the Post’s fault.

More Job Seekers Getting Tattoos Removed [KOB.com]

[Gizmodo] We’ve written previously about some gent who got a BlackBerry tattoo in exchange for one of the then-new Storm devices, which, hey—the economy’s in the shitter, so you do what you’ve gotta do to get your gadgets, I guess. Well, today my friend Adam over at Gizmodo checked in with a similar story (via PreCentral) of a man so desperate for a free Palm Pre that he got it tattooed on his shoulder. Success!

This isn’t some guy who’s covered in tattoos already, either. This is Lou’s very first and only tattoo, a bit ugly Palm Pre right on his shoulder. He will get his precious smartphone courtesy of PreCentral.net, but you’ve gotta wonder how long it’ll be before he starts trying to get a different website to pay for the laser removal. I mean, for chrissakes, the free phone is only worth $199! Come on, Lou, you could have gotten so much more for an equally embarrassing tattoo if you only knew how to market yourself.

Frucci makes a valid point. I’d be willing to bet a GM logo covering your back would net you an entire fleet of Pontiac vehicles that were otherwise destined to be melted down and used for, I don’t know, soup cans? Segways? Whatever.

[National Ledger] Megan Fox and her tattoos have found their way onto here before, and because she is in the news every day, several times a day, talking about all the WILD and CRAZY and REBELLIOUS stuff she constantly does (did you know she is a bisexual cage-fighting lion-taming astronaut? It’s probably true!), well, let’s just check in with her latest tattoo-related news, just because:

he sexy Transformers star already has seven tattoos - including one of movie icon Marilyn Monroe on her right arm.

Fox said: “I’m going to sleeve my arm.” Fox has previously told how she doesn’t care what other people think of her tattoos - and even threatened to quit Hollywood if they cost her a movie role. She said: “Every time I get a tattoo, it’s a little f***-you to anyone who tells me not to. I like the way getting a tattoo feels.”

I have to say, I’m a fan of the idea of one of the most popular young actors with a full sleeve, and getting it ostensibly because she really loves tattoos (as manufactured as much of her personality may very well be.) She then goes on to lie about going to work at Costco if she ever lost a movie role because of her tattoos, which, hey, that’s sweet.

[ABC Local] And hey, let’s finish up with a legitimately positive and heartwarming story. Chicago’s got a problem with gangs as bad as anywhere, and even once gang members try to get on with their lives, their tattoos may lead people to believe they’re still immersed in that sort of violent culture. Well, Eric Dean Spruth of South Side Tattoos in Chicago is the director of a program called Sacred Transformations, which will cover-up and modify any former gang member’s gang tattoos, free of charge.

“We allow people to empower themselves through identifying a new mark, a new horizon in their life, something they can be proud of,” said Spruth.

[...]

For [Luis] Corral, the new tattoos mean a new chance at life.

“Now I can go anywhere I want, and not worry about, hey, if I die today, it ain’t because of my tattoos, you know what I’m saying, it ain’t because I got gang tattoos on me,” said Corral.

Great stuff. Check out the video below.

[Comics.com] Oh hey look, up there, it’s our old friend Burnaby Q. Horatio Marcus Longfellow “Crump-Daddy” Orbax, immortalized in comic-form, courtesy of the good folks at Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! The comic is all about how Orbax, when not munching glass or whatever he does in his spare time, is actually some kind of sell-out nerd professor of “physics,” whatever the hell that is. Hey freak, make with the laughs! (Click the Comics.com link to see it in all its full-sized glory.)

[Atlanta Journal-Constitution] Well, no laughs here. A few days ago, some idiot drunken goblin named Eugene Ashley decided it’d be a grand idea to tattoo his three-year-old son’s shoulder with the initials “DB,” allegedly standing for “Daddy’s Boy.” Hey, that’s fun bonding experience, right? No? Yeah, not so much.

The tattoo was discovered after an unidentified person complained to the Department of Family and Children Services about the conditions at the Ashley home. The Ashleys have three or four children, Davis said.

“You keep thinking you’ve seen it all, and then voila,” Davis said.

The children remain with their mother; Eugene Ashley was arrested May 21 and faces charges of child cruelty and tattooing a person younger than 18 years old, the latter being a misdemeanor, Davis said.

Interestingly, Theresa Walsh Giarrusso, a columnist for the Journal-Constitution, when discussing this shit-bird in a subsequent column, raised a point not uncommon to the likes of BME and its community, but one particularly foreign to the average AJC reader: Is this really much worse than piercing a baby’s ears or circumcising a newborn?

I get that there’s a law about not tattooing someone under 18, but why is that more worthy of a law than the other two? Is it simply because the other two are done more frequently so they have become socially acceptable?

[...]

Piercings (at least in ears) can close back up, but circumcision can hardly be reversed. I have heard of a method of stretching the foreskin back over the head of the penis using weights but that doesn’t sound easy. Laser surgery to remove tattoos seems preferable to trying to “re-grow” your foreskin.

Are tattoos more painful than piercing or circumcision? Not sure that’s true.

I’m not promoting tattoos for toddler and babies, I’m just wondering if there is a double standard of what is acceptable to do to a child?

Somebody get this lady a wheelbarrow in which to carry her massive balls! Whether you agree with her or not (and I don’t think she even really indicated whether or not she necessarily believes the argument she’s put forth), this isn’t a conversation that occurs among the general public very often, and it’s one that should probably be had. So, Theresa Walsh Giarrusso, we salute you for opening up the dialogue about a tricky subject at a difficult time. What say your commenters?

“Wow, trying to stoke some fires and save your job at the AJC with crap like this? Why not talk about Mike Vick too?

TATOO= PERMANENT AND ARTISTIC EXPRESSION (for adults)
PIERCED EARS= GHETTO TRASH
CIRCUMCISION= HEALTH BENEFITS, and doesn’t give your son a odd looking member.”

[...]

“My granddaughter got her ears pierced at 9 months old and she didn’t cry. How can you compare THAT to a tattoo. You people are nuts! lol”

[...]

“Are you seriously comparing tattoos to circumcision? Need I say more? Thought not, I rest my case.”

(In all fairness, there are a surprising amount of reasonable and rational discussions going on in the comments there.)

[YouTube] Astute reader “Cassie” sends in this charming YouTube clip on everybody’s favorite egg-laying water mammal, the platypus! Why are we posting it here? Because, in addition to being suckers for weird and/or cute animals, it also features several segments with Stephen Kolomyjec from James Cook University, who is all pierced and tattooed and whatnot, and is working on genetic research for platypuses. And hey, we like to show off modified professionals whenever we can. (See: Orbaxy up top.) Stephen pops up around the 1:14 mark.

Hey everybody, it’s the NBA playoffs! You know what that means, right? You guessed it: idiotic columns from hateful jerk-offs about how tattoos are ruining the NBA! This time around, we’ve got Kyle McNary of the Minneapolis Sports Examiner waxing moronic. Does this horseshit warrant an FJM-style takedown? Oh, hell yes.

It sounds superficial. It probably is superficial. But, watching the NBA has become almost a chore for me, not because the talent is diluted and the art of great passing is all but gone, though it most certainly is, but because more than three quarters of NBA players have ugly tattoos.

I’m going to make a wild assumption here and guess that McNary hasn’t actually been an NBA fan in quite some time. He thinks the quality of game-play has declined, but that’s not why it’s a “chore” for him to watch—it’s because of the tattoos! This is akin to saying you have trouble watching NASCAR because of all the stickers on the cars, or that the San Diego Padres are unwatchable when they’re wearing those hideous camouflage jerseys. (When, in fact, both NASCAR and the Padres are unwatchable for entirely different reasons.) (Because they are both terrible, you see.)

Yes, I’m prejudiced against people with tattoos. I think they made a big mistake, I question their decision-making skills, and I think they probably lack in self esteem.

This sort of silly screed almost always retreats to this argument—that tattoos are absolutely a sign of lacking self-esteem. This has become the “terrorists hate us for our freedom” of the anti-tattoo crowd.

I think a small tattoo on a sailor’s forearm is okay, but more than a silver dollar size is too much. I think they make women look trashy, hence the word “tramp stamp,” though Beyonce could have her whole body tattooed and she’s (sic) still be gorgeous. I guess I just don’t get it.

Hey, all you men and women in the Navy, listen up. Kyle McNary thinks it’s just fine and dandy to get a small anchor or a single pair of breasts tattooed on your forearm, but anything more than that is probably a sign of a mind so wrought with self-image issues that you are unfit to serve the nation. He is correct. Beyonce, however, may cover herself in all the shitty tattoos she pleases, and Mr. McNary will be happy to continue to pleasure himself to her, because she would still be a strong and confident woman.

Evidently, when McNary says he doesn’t “get it,” “it” refers to “how to construct a meaningful and consistent argument.”

I’ve been watching the conference finals the past week, and the games have been pretty exciting.

Even though the NBA sucks now, right?

Not many people would have guessed that the Orlando Magic would be a Lebron three-pointer away from leading three games to none. But….I can’t get past these tattoos.

There are two players, one in each series, who must have OCTD–Obsessive Compulsive Tattoo Disorder.

One of the many dreaded side-effects of low self-esteem, naturally. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT OCTD!

On the Cleveland Cavaliers, Delonte West looks like he belongs in a circus. After filling up both arms, West actually walked into a tattoo parlor and said, “stick some needles in my neck.” It’s hard to tell where one ends and another starts, but he has at least a dozen tattoos, and looks like a moron. Sorry, but he does.

You know, Delonte West and I very rarely hang out, so I can’t say for certain, but…oh Christ, yes, I can say for certain that he did not actually walk into a tattoo parlor and say, “Stick some needles in my neck.” This is not the way people speak to each other. When you head to Olive Garden for your weekly pre-Idol free breadsticks, do you demand from your waiter, “HEY, CRAM SOME STARCHES IN MY FACE”?

In the West, the Denver Nuggets’ Chris Anderson is nicknamed “birdman,” supposedly because he can fly to the basket, and he flaps his arms after a big play. I actually think it’s a good nickname because he looks like a peacock.

Awesome. Nailed it. Great joke.

Basketball, when played right, can be a thing of beauty. But, the two-bit punk attitudes, tattoos and chest-beating has made a great sport look like a thug convention.

So, your problems with basketball currently include:

- Diluted talent pool
- Poor passing techniques
- Tattoos
- Punk attitudes
- Flashy play/“chest-beating”

So, you’re bothered by the quality of the athletes, the culture of the game and participants themselves…maybe, just maybe, you’ve outgrown the NBA? Seriously. There’s no shame in admitting that you and a former passion have moved in opposite directions as time has gone on. If the NBA offends you so much, why not stick to college ball, or the WNBA? Why punish yourself with continued patronage of a league with which you no longer feel a connection?

The Indiana Pacers’ Marquis Daniels had a tattoo of a man committing suicide (lovely), Gilbert Arenas has the words “change we believe in” on his fingers in honor of Barack Obama, Luke Walton has a tattoo in honor of the Grateful Dead, and Tim Duncan has a tattoo covering his chest in honor of the nerdy game Dungeons and Dragons. The most idiotic reason for getting a tattoo? Amare Stoudemire wins the award. The Sun’s star claims that “if I died right now, my kids could get to know me by my tats.” Uh, Amare, why don’t you just talk to your kids!

First of all, it’s truly wonderful that admist all your incessant jabbering about how tattoos are a sign of the thug culture that’s destroying the NBA, you reference Gilbert Arenas’s Obama tattoo, Tim Duncan’s Dungeons and Dragons tattoo and Luke Walton’s Grateful Dead tribute. THUGGISHNESS ABOUNDS.

Also, Amare’s kids are about two and three years old. They’re barely human beings at this point. Maybe he’s covered himself with symbols important enough to him that his kids could maybe glean some insight into the man’s life once they’re able to, you know, speak and remember things?

Nah, you’re right. He’s probably just some absentee fuck-up covered with “gang tatz.” You goddamn clown.

[Fox 61] Hey, and they say visibly tattooed and pierced folks can’t get regular jobs! The video up top is a special investigation by FOX television’s Connecticut affiliate looking into a local band of bounty hunters (or Bail Enforcement Agents, as their jackets say), and oh look, IAM’s own Jeff “Phish” Goldblatt is among the head-breakers! Jeff, as many of you likely know, was a long-time body piercer (and still does some occasional piercing now, I believe), but these days, largely goes around kicking in doors and picking up fools who’ve skipped out on court dates and whatnot (all while being heavily tattooed and sporting stretched nostril piercings and such). Anyway, this video teaches a few things. First of all, I always figured cop shows were bullshitting when they showed officers literally kicking down doors like they were nothing, but apparently I am just weak. And second, when you want to get some folks riled up about your line of work, there’s no better soundtrack than Tool’s “Vicarious.”

[Winona Daily News] So here’s a fun new trend: Articles about tattoo shops that treat them like any other business! This one focuses on the issue of state regulation of “body art” studios, which is certainly worth discussing, and actually collects cogent and thoughtful arguments and points of view from a variety of sources. Ha ha, what?

[Chad Gregerson] remembered the lack of state guidelines when he ran a shop in Brooklyn Park, Minn., and he followed the seemingly annual back-and-forth by Minnesota legislators pushing for increased regulation during the past eight years while he was tattooing in La Crosse, Wis. As an artist in Wisconsin, however, he became familiar with that state’s guidelines on tattoo and body piercing shops, and he made exceeding those standards a goal for Tatu Royale – even if the shop was in a county and state that did not require it follow any specific guidelines, he said.

The author goes on to provide a fairly comprehensive (and not uninteresting) history of body art regulation in Winona County, dating back over 20 years. The relationship between tattoo and piercing shops and society as a whole has changed dramatically, of course, and many are coming around to the idea that interaction between the two sides mustn’t be adversarial. Some, however, see this as an argument against statewide regulations, since it’s this change in attitude that’s leading many shops to follow more rigorous health guidelines as determined by local authorities.

Winona County has not received a complaint related to a local tattoo shop in years, said Jill Johnson, county environmental services director. County officials considered local regulation about 10 years ago and determined it wasn’t needed.

The proposal put before the Legislature this year would have required a license for each body art shop, as well as for each artist. License fees likely would provide the state with a sizable return, but Kevin Leque, owner of Red Wing Tattoo in Winona, wonders whether it would be enough to finance enforcement.

He says regulation would hurt shops and do little to stop amateurs from giving tattoos out of their homes or at tattoo parties.

Gregerson disagrees, saying the entire body art industry would benefit if shops across the state were held to the same standards. Regulation would weed out many of the amateurs who make the mistakes that give reputable artists and shops a bad name, he said.

Regardless of one’s opinion on the matter at hand, it’s difficult to not be encouraged by the fact that this is a discussion that can now be held in public in a civilized and professional manner, free from paranoid non sequiturs—besides, those are the domain of the commenters:

laurie wrote on May 16, 2009 10:36 PM:
“I don’t think the government should regulate anything anymore! They are the reason we are in the recession now.
Whenever I hear of an F.D.A regulation I run as fast as I can the other direction.”

[...]

COSTANZA wrote on May 17, 2009 9:58 AM:
“I think what Lauire is talking about is the government is becoming to much like big brother. It is not the government responsibility to insure clean needles it should be the people’s own responsibility to make sure the tattoo is safe. If I get a tattoo I am going check up on the parlor and make sure every thing is clean and safe.”

Sigh.

[Denver Post] Continuing today’s unprecedented string of positive mainstream articles about tattoos (?!), here’s a fine piece about the Denver Nuggets, who, as we’ve mentioned before, are just cold covered in tattoos, and are now facing the L.A. Lakers in the NBA’s Western Conference Finals. (Anyone see the game last night? How in the hell do you have Carter do the inbound with three seconds left with Odom guarding him? Guhhh.) Anyway, the author speaks to a number of the players about their tattoos, and does a fine job of demystifying and debunking the “thug” label that’s been foisted upon them by many:

“I think tattoos are a little bit from a culture of warriors,” said Nuggets coach George Karl, who has considered but not taken the plunge of getting tattoos that match what his adult daughter and son wear. “I’m not comparing basketball players to warriors, but there’s nature of competition that’s always been compared to warriors. And I like symbolism.”

[...]

This season, [Chris Andersen] said with a smirk, “We might not lead the league in stats, but we do in tats.” Indeed, the Nuggets are linked by ink. But asked if this is a special situation, guard Anthony Carter said: “I don’t know if it’s special, because a lot of people think it’s ‘thug’ — they have a different interpretation of tattoos. And it’s by how (physical) we play, too.”

[...]

[During] one timeout at the Mavericks’ arena, the big screen featured a phony television commercial, in the spirit of those, “Here’s to you, Mr. . . .” Bud Light ads. It was titled “Mr. Overly Tattooed NBA Player” and featured photos of the visitors fromDenver. It came across as cutesy, but there was veiled condemnation.

“A lot of players do have meaningful tattoos, and a lot of people don’t understand it,” Carter said. “They think it’s for fashion and trying to look tough and stuff like that. But everybody has meaningful tattoos.”

[...]

Smith proudly proclaims himself “Mama’s boy” with a tattoo on his chest; he said Ida Smith “is my best friend. I can say anything to her. She always gives me good advice. And that helps me on the basketball court, because then I’m more free at mind.”

Carter and Martin also have maternal marks. Martin has red lips on his neck, those being the smackers of his girlfriend, rap artist Trina.

And while we’re on the subject of sports…